I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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