I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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