i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
