Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
