Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
