Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
