yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
