I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
All the doctor said was why
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
