Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
