so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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