I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
