I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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