But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
