I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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