she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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