It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
