apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
