Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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