barbara walters just said penis...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
