Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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