The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
