i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
