you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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