My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize