I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
