I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
