I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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