The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think i have two assholes
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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