one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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