If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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