Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
