I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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