I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
