You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize