Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
