I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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