ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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