How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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