Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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