kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
