Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
