At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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