i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize