There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
