If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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