I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
