my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
