and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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