At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
