Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
