Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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