It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
