Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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