I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Screwed.edu
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
