The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
