Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
