not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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